CMILL

I stopped to breathe for only a second today and realized my life is changing at a rapid pace. I’ve been out of the hospital for almost six months and  I’m slowly seeing a different way of thinking trying to push through. I have this new conscience constantly battling with my old one.

Not to mention we got a phone call this morning from Lampron. Matthew leaves Tuesday. He’ll be gone for thirteen weeks. I don’t exactly know how I’m going to take it. On one hand it’ll be so freeing. I can just be. No harassment, no abuse of any kind. It will be such a mellow environment which is exactly what I need right now and have needed in the past. But, on the other hand I’m not sure how I will deal with the realization that this is it. Matthew and I have never been close. It’s always been a harsh environment for us together and time’s up. There’s no more time or opportunities for us to become close. After Joey being a douchebag brother and abandoning us, Matthew was my last shot. Now, he’ll go to boot camp, come home for a few days then be gone pretty much forever.

And as an added bonus, I have mandatory training for work the same day he leaves.

I can never seem to put the thoughts that dance feverishly in my head into words. It’s likely due to the fact that I barely understand my thoughts and yet somehow they still are able to make sense. One day, I’d like to master my mind and the English language so I can write a memoir.

It will only be available in paperback.

I PASSED SUMMER SCHOOL. I don’t think anyone realizes how much of a big deal this is for me. I fucking did it. For once, my hard work actually paid off. Now I just have to tackle senior year with only one extra class.

Ahhhhhhhhh, so fucking stoked!

Oh, and congratulations to Matthew who passed as well and is finally graduated and to Jesse who can for sure cook next year. :)

For salty lips and burnt skin. Cheers to sleeping in my own bed for the next 48 hours!

Summer school ended today. I celebrated by taking a nap for a couple hours, making a taco feast and smoking my brains out.

Although I am relieved it’s over with I’m still anxious to find out if I passed or not. I’m going to fucking rage if I put in all of that work for nothing.

You know, they say if you can’t explain something then you don’t understand it. I find a really hard time trying to explain and out my thoughts into words. Is it because I don’t understand anything?

Highighighighighi’malwayshigh.fuckspacebars.

I’m mad nervous about the math one. I know I’ve got English in the bag but, I need an 89% on the math final to pass the summer course. I’ve been working my ass off and to just fall short now would honestly be devastating. I just want to be a Senior this year.

I’ll tell you what though, when I do finally graduate no one will have deserved it more than me. It will be the happiest fucking day of my life.

Fuck all of you douchebags who don’t have to work for shit and still come out on top. You’re part of my many reasons I hate everyone around me.

I’m really enjoying the rain. It calms me down. Such tranquility in falling water. Maybe I find such peace because it comes off as people much like myself being restricted and no longer wanted so they leap to their death and the sound I hear is their “bodies” smacking the surfaces.

I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that I’m no longer settling for less. I’m sick of surrounding myself with people I absolutely can’t stand just for the sake of not being alone. All of you fake people don’t exactly help my depression either. It’s like fuel to the fire.

I hate that it’s such a process to better one’s self. I’ve been out of the hospital for a few months now but I don’t feel as if I’m getting anywhere. I’m doing everything I’m asked and need and yet like everything else in my life it’s all work no show. I’m like the stage crew to a magnificent play, except no credit or satisfaction at the end of the night. I’m sick of putting in so much effort for nothing. Not to mention I was born without patience.      Fuck.

I wonder what it’s like to actually want to live.

Must be nice.

p mother fucking s

the show isn’t over.

That I’d rather have no friends at all.

Bernie Mac is dead.

My sudden awareness of my surroundings is growing like a magical beanstock. Even Jack would be impressed.

I have no wit, I have no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numbed too much for hopes or fears;
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
A lift mine eyes, but dimmed with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is like the falling leaf;
O Jesus, quicken me.