I stopped to breathe for only a second today and realized my life is changing at a rapid pace. I’ve been out of the hospital for almost six months and I’m slowly seeing a different way of thinking trying to push through. I have this new conscience constantly battling with my old one.
Not to mention we got a phone call this morning from Lampron. Matthew leaves Tuesday. He’ll be gone for thirteen weeks. I don’t exactly know how I’m going to take it. On one hand it’ll be so freeing. I can just be. No harassment, no abuse of any kind. It will be such a mellow environment which is exactly what I need right now and have needed in the past. But, on the other hand I’m not sure how I will deal with the realization that this is it. Matthew and I have never been close. It’s always been a harsh environment for us together and time’s up. There’s no more time or opportunities for us to become close. After Joey being a douchebag brother and abandoning us, Matthew was my last shot. Now, he’ll go to boot camp, come home for a few days then be gone pretty much forever.
And as an added bonus, I have mandatory training for work the same day he leaves.
If your mother ever left me, it'd be for Arnold Palmer.
I can never seem to put the thoughts that dance feverishly in my head into words. It’s likely due to the fact that I barely understand my thoughts and yet somehow they still are able to make sense. One day, I’d like to master my mind and the English language so I can write a memoir.
I PASSED SUMMER SCHOOL. I don’t think anyone realizes how much of a big deal this is for me. I fucking did it. For once, my hard work actually paid off. Now I just have to tackle senior year with only one extra class.
Ahhhhhhhhh, so fucking stoked!
Oh, and congratulations to Matthew who passed as well and is finally graduated and to Jesse who can for sure cook next year. :)
I’m mad nervous about the math one. I know I’ve got English in the bag but, I need an 89% on the math final to pass the summer course. I’ve been working my ass off and to just fall short now would honestly be devastating. I just want to be a Senior this year.
I’ll tell you what though, when I do finally graduate no one will have deserved it more than me. It will be the happiest fucking day of my life.
Fuck all of you douchebags who don’t have to work for shit and still come out on top. You’re part of my many reasons I hate everyone around me.
I’m really enjoying the rain. It calms me down. Such tranquility in falling water. Maybe I find such peace because it comes off as people much like myself being restricted and no longer wanted so they leap to their death and the sound I hear is their “bodies” smacking the surfaces.
I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that I’m no longer settling for less. I’m sick of surrounding myself with people I absolutely can’t stand just for the sake of not being alone. All of you fake people don’t exactly help my depression either. It’s like fuel to the fire.
I hate that it’s such a process to better one’s self. I’ve been out of the hospital for a few months now but I don’t feel as if I’m getting anywhere. I’m doing everything I’m asked and need and yet like everything else in my life it’s all work no show. I’m like the stage crew to a magnificent play, except no credit or satisfaction at the end of the night. I’m sick of putting in so much effort for nothing. Not to mention I was born without patience. Fuck.
I have no wit, I have no words, no tears; My heart within me like a stone Is numbed too much for hopes or fears; Look right, look left, I dwell alone; A lift mine eyes, but dimmed with grief No everlasting hills I see; My life is like the falling leaf; O Jesus, quicken me.
She’s just sitting there, waiting to be finished. I haven’t touched her in months. I think I’m just afraid I’ll fuck it up. After all, it looks really good. I’m not sure if I even have a big enough peice of charcoal left to work with.
“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”—